Grappling With Your Ego

Posted on by moderndayzendaddy

I absolutely love Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, as a practitioner and as a teacher. It is a powerful martial art which can help us come to grips with who we are, both on the mat and off. As Joe Hyams so eloquently wrote in Zen in the Martial Arts,

“A dojo is a miniature cosmos where we make contact with ourselves – our fears, anxieties, reactions, and habits. It is an arena of confined conflict where we confront an opponent who is not an opponent but rather a partner engaged in helping us understand ourselves more fully. It is a place where we can learn a great deal in a short time about who we are and how we react in the world. The conflicts that take place inside the dojo help us handle conflicts that take place outside.”

Part of the beauty of BJJ is randori, free-sparring, or what we normally refer to as simply “rolling.” The nature of the art allows us to go all-out with our partners every class, and with minimal risk of injury. This assures that our technique is effective, while also honing the psychological requirements of combat. This is when we get to let loose our inner-child and just play.

Naturally, competition demands an emotional investment on the part of the participants. Thus, we’re jubilant when successfully executing a new technique, coming to a higher level of understanding, or “getting the tap,” but on the flip-side, can find ourselves greatly frustrated, or even angry, with our apparent lack of progress, when we find ourselves continually tapping on the receiving end.

Tap early, tap often, and train longer! We all want to win, but it’s vital that we learn to check our ego. Realize that even when we tap, we are still working toward whatever goal we’ve set. In fact, not tapping can be counterproductive – if we’re sidelined with an injury because we didn’t want to lose, we’re not making any progress on any level.

“I never lose. I either win or learn.”

– Nelson Mandela

Often our competitive nature leads us to hold out too long when defending against an arm-bar or choke. If our partner has the submission sunk in, and we’ve exhausted our counters/escapes, we’re better off tapping and moving on rather than trying to just power through. While strength and sheer will are both powerful attributes, unless we’re training for an upcoming competition, relying solely on them means we’re not developing the technical side of our game.

Don’t lose sight of the bigger picture. We all have our reasons for training: fitness, self-defense, sport, camaraderie, martial art, etc.. Our purpose and goals for training must align with our changing lifestyles, and our obligations to family and profession. As we get older, we must also adapt to our body’s shifting needs and capacity. Just as we refine our jiujitsu “game,” so too must we learn to modify our expectations and find a healthy balance between family, work, and BJJ.

Brazilian jiu jitsu reminds us to celebrate victory with a bit of humility, while accepting defeat with dignity. Our wins come not only from our own efforts, but from the help of our teammates and guidance of our coaches. Tapping from our “mistakes,” gives us the opportunity to learn, and to continue pursuing our goals with intensity.

See you all on the mat!

Self Control

Posted on by moderndayzendaddy

We humans are emotional; we can run the gamut from happy, sad, angry, frustrated, and scared. Our emotions are powerful responses to stimuli which helped our ancestors survive the trials and tribulations of a more harsh, unforgiving environment. Emotions can can still help us survive unexpected danger, but they can also lead us to make terrible decisions. We must learn to use our emotions to our advantage and not allow them to control us.

Anger is a momentary madness, so control your passion or it will control you.

– Horace

We should embrace the beauty that joy and happiness bring to our lives, just as we should acknowledge our anger or sorrow. All of our emotions are part of being a healthy, whole individual. However, it is important to also recognize that when left unchecked, our emotions can lead to poor judgement and bad decisions. We must develop self control – the ability to control our reaction to our emotions.

One of the tools we can use is tactical breathing, or combat breathing. Breathing is a powerful tool for moderating our emotional response. Whether in a heated argument with a friend, being overcome with grief, or preparing for a jiujitsu match, it can help us calm our current emotional state, allowing us to keep a clear head and respond more appropriately. As you practice and develop this skill, you’ll find a count that works best for you. In the meantime, just remember “4 X 4:”

  1. Inhale for a count of four.
  2. Hold it for a count of four.
  3. Exhale for a count of four.
  4. Hold it for a count of four.

<Repeat four times.>

The best plan is to reject straightway the first incentives to anger, to resist its very beginnings, and to take care not to be betrayed into it: for if once it begins to carry us away, it is hard to get back again into a healthy condition, because reason goes for nothing when once passion has been admitted to the mind, and has by our own free will been given a certain authority, it will for the future do as much as it chooses, not only as much as you will allow it. The enemy, I repeat, must be met and driven back at the outermost frontier-line: for when he has once entered the city and passed its gates, he will not allow his prisoners to set bounds to his victory.

– Seneca

See you on the mat!

Think Before You Speak

Posted on by moderndayzendaddy

“The Pen is mightier than the sword.”

– Edward Bulwer-Lytton

It doesn’t take much to recognize the power of our words. We use them every day to communicate; we share our thoughts and feelings, we teach, and persuade. We can use our words to motivate and inspire, and we can use them to criticize and punish. Our words are critical tools for civilized society; so vital, in fact, that our founding fathers enshrined their unfettered use in the First Amendment of our Constitution.

With all this power, one would expect that great care would be taken to assure the proper use of the written/spoken word. Yet we’ve all been witness to the often cavalier manner in which some use their words. We can also emit some pretty harsh stuff in moments of anger or frustration.

We are warned that “words can cut like a knife.” Shouldn’t we, therefore, wield them with as much caution? Just because we can say something, doesn’t mean we should.

We’ve all been there; some of the most vicious animals on the planet are kids. They can say the most hurtful things to one another. While it generally starts out innocently enough, as they just don’t realize what they’re saying, they eventually fine-tune their craft. By the time they’re in middle school, they can be absolutely brutal. Nothing is off limits, as they ridicule their peers; hairstyle, body composition, complexion, fashion, and even your mom are all fair-game. (Just in case you’re wondering, back in the day, my dad could beat up yours.)

Most of us eventually grow out of this phase. We learn to recognize the social nuances of appropriate speech. We might “kid” our friends about their fashion choices, but that kind of discourse is reserved for personal time. Harassing your peers at work, or someone you hardly know about such things is a recipe for disaster.

Just as we teach the children in our junior’s program about the proper use of their jiujitsu and the responsibility which comes with it, so too, we want to teach them to navigate the social waters of appropriate speech. The tool we’re teaching them to use is the acronym THINK.

Before you speak, THINK…

  1. T – Is it True?
  2. H – Is it Helpful?
  3. I – Is it Inspiring?
  4. N – Is it Necessary?
  5. K – Is it Kind?

Unless you’re close friends with someone in class, your conversation should really be focused on the task at hand. While we’re on the mat, we should be focused on improving our jiujitsu, as well as our training partners’.

“If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything.”

-My Mom

See you on the mat.